Facing my Demons

 Yeah, it's been a hot minute since I last posted here. I have to admit,  after My 2nd miscarriage when I lost my son, I fell apart for a while. Let's be honest though; I am still broken from that. 

We are on our third miscarriage now and lost twins this last round.  I did extensive follow ups and bloodwork to make sure it wasn't my body attacking them and I am "perfectly healthy" other than being a tad overweight.  

That statement is laughable but I am also relieved that this is just freak luck as far pregnancy goes. We will try again after I have lost some weight but that is a journey with the inflammation issues from the fibromyalgia and PCOS crap. I will get there but it's frustrating, to say the least. 

All this has lead me down a lovely but humbling road of self discovery that has lead me here. Buckle up, ladies and Gents, it's time for my midlife crisis! No, I am not going to go buy a Lamborghini, (yet) but I am definitely questioning my life right now.

Somewhere along this journey of mine, I am beginning to think I lost a large piece of myself and it's seriously messing with me. These feelings of loneliness and searching for something I can't seem to find have been haunting me for 4 years now.

After therapy today, I started to realize that I am not exactly being true to myself and I haven't been for a really long time. When I got sick with my liver stuff, I went into survival mode. That was back in 2009 and I don't really think I ever recovered from that transition.  

I started to get better around 2016 but I had spent all of my 20's sick and fighting for my life so I never really mentally made that transition to adulthood like most people my age. I didn't have the luxury of "discovering myself" or "finding my purpose" because I was busy trying not to die in my sleep. It was a valid reason for the things I did and the way I was living then...but not now.

I am still only surving but I am definitely not allowing myself to thrive and I can not help but wonder why that is. I know I am Sabotaging myself from the things I want and who I want to be. I know I am capable of anything I set my mind to; I am literally a genius. I have been tested many times on that subject. 

I never really believed it until now but I am starting to see what everyone was talking about in my younger years. I have some pretty incredible gifts for learning and memory retention and that makes for a pretty smart cookie. I have alot of talents and that is great and all but Somewhere along the journey,  i have lost sight of the things that make me...well...me! 

I can't help but wonder in all this where the kine of identity crisis and longing for the past are meeting but I do know one thing; 8 am not happy the way I am. 

Yeah, sure, my life is great and I do have the most amazing husband I could ask for. I have my sweet fur babies and friends and family that love me exactly as I am, nothing to prove needed. The problem is, when I look in the mirror, I want to cry.

There is a stark difference between what I feel I am and what I see looking back at me. It's not even close to the same these days. I don't know how to fix this dysphoria but I know that I can't take this anymore. I just want to love and accept myself. 

I am going to take tomorrow to do some discovery work and do a self talk session to try and figure out what I need to heal and love myself again. Who knows, maybe this whole episode is just another round of bipolar glory at its best. Either way,  self improvement is usually a good thing. 

I am going to have to tackle this beast like any other; one bite at a freaking time. Gods, above, I am already tired and I just started. Maybe I should take some pre battle r&r before I start all this. A nap does sound pretty damn nice about now! 

Poem: Jett Boren

The Ravens

By Jett Boren

Seekers of truth...

Keepers of wisdom...

Ravens have no need of champions. 

We fly farther and see more than any hero could possibly dream.

Tomorrow's echos etched upon our beaks

And the laws of time naught but the wind that Carries us

As we frolic between now, yesterday and what will be.

Heroes? Champions? 

We watch your said heroes with mild amusement, open curiosity and gentle reprise.

Carry on wayward warriors,

Determined fools,

Hopeless admirers and headstrong Brutes.

We will be waiting to show you the truth of things

When all is lost and darkness subcomes your volcanic head

Into a cooler more subtle state of growth, progress and wisdom.

There we will teach you

There we will fly beside you and comfort your weary soul

There we will teach you the beauty of darkness

So that when the light comes forth again you will be more prepared 

And more grateful for the simplicity of life and day.

We are the ravens

We have no need of champions

But we create and shape them 

from the comforts of the shadows 

Now and forevermore

Gratitude of the day: My Redfox
Photo: Jetta Marie


Today, in an effort to combat the every looming cloud above my pretty little head, I would like to give a very special shout out to my amazing husband and best friend, Redfox. Red, as he shall hereby be known on this blog, is a trooper to say the least. I have been struggling for the past year trying to recover from a manic and grief and the results have been less than pretty, yet this man has stood by my side and been my rock.

He is poor with emotions(INTJ) but god bless him if he doesn't try his very best to see where I am coming from, even if it doesn't make a lick of sense to him. I am so grateful for all his attempts at comforting me, for him never giving up no matter how much he pisses me off and for tolerating me in general these last few months. The fact that he tries so hard to make me smile for just a moment, and tried to help even when he knows he can not makes me love him all the more.

the most important thing is that he sticks around and keeps trying to get through. He has my back 100% and I am so grateful for all he does( or tires) to do for me. I am a lucky lady and I know it. He is far from perfect but I am pretty sure he is closer than me most days. Thank you Red; I love you.

Jett

Hey Peeps-

The anxiety is driving me insane and I have no idea how to deal with it. I am so manic it is not even mildly amusing. My thoughts are going faster than a bullet train towards a broken bridge and my anxiety is constantly making me feel like I am having an allergy attack and my throat is closing. 

The rational part of me KNOWS  this is bullshit. I know I am not allergic to everything, I am not going to die, i probably ought to drink some more water and for lack of a better way to say it, I NEED TO CHILL OUT! The problem is, it is not that easy when you are literally fighting your own brain. I still have to fight it but it is not as simple as just taking a toke and being fine and dandy. (Hopefully someday that will be an option where I am at but right now CBD is the best I can do for maintenance and it is no contender to an oncoming manic.)

But the manic has arrived and this already tired warrior is grudgingly getting up to do battle yet again. I know this is not my fault but at the same time, I have to take responsibility to take care of myself and get my neurotransmitters working again. I need to balance the seriton so that I can sleep, eat, manage the impulsivity and control my Everest sized mood swings again. I know that this jittery feeling of needing to constantly be doing something is from high levels of Noradrenaline and I need to calm it down so that I can focus. I know my chemicals are out of whack  and I have to humble myself and accept help at this point. Being sick is not my fault but staying sick is; staying sick and letting this continue will kill me.

Knowing that you cant control your own moods by yourself no matter how much discipline you have sucks. You wonder if you were just a little stronger if you would have to take these stupid pills. You are filled with anger and want to be alone because you know you on are a hair-trigger but at the same time you are so lonely you feel like it will break you. Your mind is racing and you know you are a mess but you try to hold it together for your loved ones because you can see how much your pain hurts them, but you can only block the bath of a hurricane so well. Right now, you are the very storm that people fear and that brings a little shame to top it all off.  In a nutshell, this is bipolar disorder; during phases like this, it is like you carry the wrath of hell in your eyes and face, the pain of the world in your heart, the swords of a samurai in your words and the attention span of a 3 year old expected to work as a functioning adult. 

I am cracked and broken. My mind is a mess and I am frantically trying to pick up the pieces while working through the grief of losing our son last year. It seems like every month is a new trigger now; He was dues in August, we conceived him in October, we found out in November and we lost him in December. I know if I focus on these facts, then I will wither away and sub-come to my low state. I cant do that; I have way to much to live for. THings suck right now, but I know I am not alone. I am strong enough to handle this and my previous victories are proof of that. 

I am taking some meciation for the manic but I am thinking i need something for the anxiety as well while I fight this. I hate that I have come to this point but I know what I have to do. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers cause this battle may be a doozy. 

Jett M

Gratitude of the day: The wisdom of my elders and Sensei's in my life. 

Photograph: Jetta Marie

Dear Readers;

As most of you know, my dear sweet grandfather passed away about two weeks ago. I was asked to write a poem in honor of him for the funeral. Though I could not read it our loud it was put on the back of the program.

As a poet and avid writer, written words are not often difficult to find. But lately I have taken on some things that have put that gift to the test. This was one of those things; finding a way to sum up a lifetime of memories with a man that can only be described as a true disciple of good in this world. My grandfather was one of the wisest, most intelligent, kind-hearted and spiritual people that I have ever had the privilege to have in my life. It brings me to tears of humility to know that this great man and I are related, and that his genetic lines run in my own blood. I hope that through the course of this life I have been given that I can live up to even a quarter of the good this man has done for so many in his life. I hope that I can make half the difference to half as many people; that alone would nominate me for a Nobel prize.

I am going to miss him more than my humble words have ability to convey. But I am so grateful to have been given the tools to learn and the wisdom that he provided me. I am going to post the poem I wrote for him at a later time, but for now, in honor of my grandfather, I would like to share a story about him.

I was a pretty good student up until my first year in high school. Things started off ok but my grades and focus slowly started to show some serious signs that something was pretty off with me. Nobody could quite put their finger on it and due to the depression, I was not exactly being cooperative in letting people in on the private hell I was going through. Mood swings and mental decline, depression, thoughts of taking my life, unexplained pain that ran from my neck and into my spine and worst of all, a feeling of apathy and hopelessness.

My parents took me to the doctors, who pretty much told them that I was a hypochondriac. I ended up in therapy and being improperly medicated for a year or so. The pain became ever worse and my mentality slipped further and further. I was at a point where I was coming to accept the fact that I was stupid and a hypochondriac, which did not help the depression I was going through, nor did it stop the agonizing pain I was in. And then Dad took me to see Grandpa for an afternoon.

Grandpa knew right off the bat that something was not right with me and outside to the porch we went. We talked for a bit about a project he was working on for the family, and he asked me about school. I said it was fine but he somehow knew I was fibbing, and gently let me know that dad had told him I was struggling. I was sure he was going to remind me how important school was and that I needed to get them up and work harder. He was quite for a minute before he told me how much he had hated school too. I was a bit shocked to hear that, being as I had seen him openly correct doctors and scientist to many to count and be perfectly correct on the matters.

Grandpa asked what I was struggling the most with and I told him math. I told him I could understand things while I was in the classroom but when I tried to go home and do it I just lost everything I had learned. He said that he was not surprised by this because that is not the way I learn.  He taught me that some people learn by being told, some by seeing, and some beautiful rare types learn by terms of kinetic understanding. In his terms, these are the people that need to get in and get messy with learning until they understand every tick of how it works. He then looked in my eyes and said, "Jessica, you are NOT stupid. Your systems for schooling are stupid because they don't give a second thought to people who learn like we do."

He told me that I needed to embrace the things that I found interesting and to learn on my own. He told me that I needed to read and study something every day. He told me that God made me the way I am for a reason and that I needed to take my mind into my own hands and embrace myself and my way of learning; I just needed to learn! He encouraged me to pass my classes but he did not chasten me for my grades. He taught me that learning is actually pretty fun. He taught me that their is a big world outside of school and that if you want something in this life no grade is going to determine my ability to achieve. I alone determine that by my own dedication and willingness to do what it takes to make my dreams come true.  Then we somehow got onto the subject of why I was on medication at 14 ... that conversation got him a bit heated!

I am so grateful for having this wise man in my life. For this, and the many other lessons that I shared with him that have helped me shape the amazing, crazy, beautiful woman that I am today. A women who loves to learn, and is not defined by grade systems or the opinions of others. A strong, intelligent, stubborn, determined, big dreaming, never giving up kind of woman who is going to make a difference in this world. This pearls of wisdom will forever be with me and will guide me every step I take in this life. Today I am thankful for the wisdom and life of my grandfather, Sinclair Gilbert Cannon. Until, we meet again my, sensei. I love you and I miss you.

A New Day

Photography: Jett Boren
Gratitude of the day: New Beginnings and never giving up

Dear Readers;

Guess what? I did not fall off the face of the earth! Woo- Hoo and whatnot and such. :D  However, due to the lack of posts over the last year I do feel the need to explain where the heavens I have been hiding.

Depression reared its ugly head, and reading through this blog I think we could all see that struggle was getting very difficult for me. I am not going to fib and say everything is all better now and that I am cured and all is well. That would be a bold faced lie and a half.

But I have had a lot of time to soul search over the past year and to work on taking care of the emotional challenges that I face. I have regrouped, so to speak. I discovered in early 2015 that in addition to having bipolar, I had an underlying issue that had been repressed and was trying to surface. I was diagnosed as having complex PTSD. After having to be hospitalized again, thankfully in an outpatient program this time rather than a full on lock up at the psych ward, I was able to work through some things and get back into counseling with a counselor that has honestly been a true God sent. With her friendship and guidance, Chaz and I discover some holes in my past that have been holding me back. I learned all kinds of fancy tools for emotional regulation and am truly on the road to recovery.

As part of that recovery I am starting my blog up again. I know that in my challenges I have become stronger and that I can now help many of you to do the same. I am not perfect and I am done making weekly goals and committing to things I can't handle. But I can do my best to light the way for others, and to take those difficulties and not be ashamed. To share them so that others can light their flames and find comfort and gratitude in their day. I am here to pave a path of hope and to light a flame inside each of you. Things get difficult; life is a challenge every single day but I can tell you that no matter how hard things get, there IS beauty in this world still. And I am committed to sharing that beauty here for us all.

I had to sub-come to the ashes for a bit; that is bipolar and its my life. I don't wish it on anyone, but I also know that it will light my wings going forward. I am a phoenix, ready to rise again and remember how to soar. Ready to light the way for others again and to share the things I have learned from the wisdom of the ash. I will burn again at some point and I know that is perfectly OK. I am what I am and I make no apologies for that. I accept it and grow from my mistakes and challenges and I embrace who I am both the weak and the strong. I am ready to soar again and to light the wings of those who follow me. Who is coming with me? Its a bright new day, folks. Lets get out there and find something beautiful in today!

-Jett M Boren

Poem: Creativity

Creativity

Photography: Jetta Marie

Poem: Jetta Marie

Gratitude Of The Day: Creativity and being a part of a world where it can be expressed, nurtured and loved. 

Creativity

I see the things that you cannot

I create complex from simple thoughts

I weave tales and colors into being

This talent is the song I sing

Though some of it you love or hate

I will never cease to thus create

For in that one that sees my style

And is brought to awe or gentle smile

In that one person that sees anew

In a moment of wonder transferred me to you

In this my love, in this my glee

In this is the muse for creativity.