Hey Peeps-
The anxiety is driving me insane and I have no idea how to deal with it. I am so manic it is not even mildly amusing. My thoughts are going faster than a bullet train towards a broken bridge and my anxiety is constantly making me feel like I am having an allergy attack and my throat is closing.
The rational part of me KNOWS this is bullshit. I know I am not allergic to everything, I am not going to die, i probably ought to drink some more water and for lack of a better way to say it, I NEED TO CHILL OUT! The problem is, it is not that easy when you are literally fighting your own brain. I still have to fight it but it is not as simple as just taking a toke and being fine and dandy. (Hopefully someday that will be an option where I am at but right now CBD is the best I can do for maintenance and it is no contender to an oncoming manic.)
But the manic has arrived and this already tired warrior is grudgingly getting up to do battle yet again. I know this is not my fault but at the same time, I have to take responsibility to take care of myself and get my neurotransmitters working again. I need to balance the seriton so that I can sleep, eat, manage the impulsivity and control my Everest sized mood swings again. I know that this jittery feeling of needing to constantly be doing something is from high levels of Noradrenaline and I need to calm it down so that I can focus. I know my chemicals are out of whack and I have to humble myself and accept help at this point. Being sick is not my fault but staying sick is; staying sick and letting this continue will kill me.
Knowing that you cant control your own moods by yourself no matter how much discipline you have sucks. You wonder if you were just a little stronger if you would have to take these stupid pills. You are filled with anger and want to be alone because you know you on are a hair-trigger but at the same time you are so lonely you feel like it will break you. Your mind is racing and you know you are a mess but you try to hold it together for your loved ones because you can see how much your pain hurts them, but you can only block the bath of a hurricane so well. Right now, you are the very storm that people fear and that brings a little shame to top it all off. In a nutshell, this is bipolar disorder; during phases like this, it is like you carry the wrath of hell in your eyes and face, the pain of the world in your heart, the swords of a samurai in your words and the attention span of a 3 year old expected to work as a functioning adult.
I am cracked and broken. My mind is a mess and I am frantically trying to pick up the pieces while working through the grief of losing our son last year. It seems like every month is a new trigger now; He was dues in August, we conceived him in October, we found out in November and we lost him in December. I know if I focus on these facts, then I will wither away and sub-come to my low state. I cant do that; I have way to much to live for. THings suck right now, but I know I am not alone. I am strong enough to handle this and my previous victories are proof of that.
I am taking some meciation for the manic but I am thinking i need something for the anxiety as well while I fight this. I hate that I have come to this point but I know what I have to do. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers cause this battle may be a doozy.
Jett M
