Gratitude of the day: The wisdom of my elders and Sensei's in my life.
Photograph: Jetta Marie
Dear Readers;As most of you know, my dear sweet grandfather passed away about two weeks ago. I was asked to write a poem in honor of him for the funeral. Though I could not read it our loud it was put on the back of the program.
As a poet and avid writer, written words are not often difficult to find. But lately I have taken on some things that have put that gift to the test. This was one of those things; finding a way to sum up a lifetime of memories with a man that can only be described as a true disciple of good in this world. My grandfather was one of the wisest, most intelligent, kind-hearted and spiritual people that I have ever had the privilege to have in my life. It brings me to tears of humility to know that this great man and I are related, and that his genetic lines run in my own blood. I hope that through the course of this life I have been given that I can live up to even a quarter of the good this man has done for so many in his life. I hope that I can make half the difference to half as many people; that alone would nominate me for a Nobel prize.
I am going to miss him more than my humble words have ability to convey. But I am so grateful to have been given the tools to learn and the wisdom that he provided me. I am going to post the poem I wrote for him at a later time, but for now, in honor of my grandfather, I would like to share a story about him.
I was a pretty good student up until my first year in high school. Things started off ok but my grades and focus slowly started to show some serious signs that something was pretty off with me. Nobody could quite put their finger on it and due to the depression, I was not exactly being cooperative in letting people in on the private hell I was going through. Mood swings and mental decline, depression, thoughts of taking my life, unexplained pain that ran from my neck and into my spine and worst of all, a feeling of apathy and hopelessness.
My parents took me to the doctors, who pretty much told them that I was a hypochondriac. I ended up in therapy and being improperly medicated for a year or so. The pain became ever worse and my mentality slipped further and further. I was at a point where I was coming to accept the fact that I was stupid and a hypochondriac, which did not help the depression I was going through, nor did it stop the agonizing pain I was in. And then Dad took me to see Grandpa for an afternoon.
Grandpa knew right off the bat that something was not right with me and outside to the porch we went. We talked for a bit about a project he was working on for the family, and he asked me about school. I said it was fine but he somehow knew I was fibbing, and gently let me know that dad had told him I was struggling. I was sure he was going to remind me how important school was and that I needed to get them up and work harder. He was quite for a minute before he told me how much he had hated school too. I was a bit shocked to hear that, being as I had seen him openly correct doctors and scientist to many to count and be perfectly correct on the matters.
Grandpa asked what I was struggling the most with and I told him math. I told him I could understand things while I was in the classroom but when I tried to go home and do it I just lost everything I had learned. He said that he was not surprised by this because that is not the way I learn. He taught me that some people learn by being told, some by seeing, and some beautiful rare types learn by terms of kinetic understanding. In his terms, these are the people that need to get in and get messy with learning until they understand every tick of how it works. He then looked in my eyes and said, "Jessica, you are NOT stupid. Your systems for schooling are stupid because they don't give a second thought to people who learn like we do."
He told me that I needed to embrace the things that I found interesting and to learn on my own. He told me that I needed to read and study something every day. He told me that God made me the way I am for a reason and that I needed to take my mind into my own hands and embrace myself and my way of learning; I just needed to learn! He encouraged me to pass my classes but he did not chasten me for my grades. He taught me that learning is actually pretty fun. He taught me that their is a big world outside of school and that if you want something in this life no grade is going to determine my ability to achieve. I alone determine that by my own dedication and willingness to do what it takes to make my dreams come true. Then we somehow got onto the subject of why I was on medication at 14 ... that conversation got him a bit heated!
I am so grateful for having this wise man in my life. For this, and the many other lessons that I shared with him that have helped me shape the amazing, crazy, beautiful woman that I am today. A women who loves to learn, and is not defined by grade systems or the opinions of others. A strong, intelligent, stubborn, determined, big dreaming, never giving up kind of woman who is going to make a difference in this world. This pearls of wisdom will forever be with me and will guide me every step I take in this life. Today I am thankful for the wisdom and life of my grandfather, Sinclair Gilbert Cannon. Until, we meet again my, sensei. I love you and I miss you.
