Yeah, it's been a hot minute since I last posted here. I have to admit, after My 2nd miscarriage when I lost my son, I fell apart for a while. Let's be honest though; I am still broken from that.
We are on our third miscarriage now and lost twins this last round. I did extensive follow ups and bloodwork to make sure it wasn't my body attacking them and I am "perfectly healthy" other than being a tad overweight.
That statement is laughable but I am also relieved that this is just freak luck as far pregnancy goes. We will try again after I have lost some weight but that is a journey with the inflammation issues from the fibromyalgia and PCOS crap. I will get there but it's frustrating, to say the least.
All this has lead me down a lovely but humbling road of self discovery that has lead me here. Buckle up, ladies and Gents, it's time for my midlife crisis! No, I am not going to go buy a Lamborghini, (yet) but I am definitely questioning my life right now.
Somewhere along this journey of mine, I am beginning to think I lost a large piece of myself and it's seriously messing with me. These feelings of loneliness and searching for something I can't seem to find have been haunting me for 4 years now.
After therapy today, I started to realize that I am not exactly being true to myself and I haven't been for a really long time. When I got sick with my liver stuff, I went into survival mode. That was back in 2009 and I don't really think I ever recovered from that transition.
I started to get better around 2016 but I had spent all of my 20's sick and fighting for my life so I never really mentally made that transition to adulthood like most people my age. I didn't have the luxury of "discovering myself" or "finding my purpose" because I was busy trying not to die in my sleep. It was a valid reason for the things I did and the way I was living then...but not now.
I am still only surving but I am definitely not allowing myself to thrive and I can not help but wonder why that is. I know I am Sabotaging myself from the things I want and who I want to be. I know I am capable of anything I set my mind to; I am literally a genius. I have been tested many times on that subject.
I never really believed it until now but I am starting to see what everyone was talking about in my younger years. I have some pretty incredible gifts for learning and memory retention and that makes for a pretty smart cookie. I have alot of talents and that is great and all but Somewhere along the journey, i have lost sight of the things that make me...well...me!
I can't help but wonder in all this where the kine of identity crisis and longing for the past are meeting but I do know one thing; 8 am not happy the way I am.
Yeah, sure, my life is great and I do have the most amazing husband I could ask for. I have my sweet fur babies and friends and family that love me exactly as I am, nothing to prove needed. The problem is, when I look in the mirror, I want to cry.
There is a stark difference between what I feel I am and what I see looking back at me. It's not even close to the same these days. I don't know how to fix this dysphoria but I know that I can't take this anymore. I just want to love and accept myself.
I am going to take tomorrow to do some discovery work and do a self talk session to try and figure out what I need to heal and love myself again. Who knows, maybe this whole episode is just another round of bipolar glory at its best. Either way, self improvement is usually a good thing.
I am going to have to tackle this beast like any other; one bite at a freaking time. Gods, above, I am already tired and I just started. Maybe I should take some pre battle r&r before I start all this. A nap does sound pretty damn nice about now!
